Fair Day not so fair…

The anger I have been holding in since you left finally overtook me.  I am surprised that I am still married.  Poor Charlie. (I know that’s what you would say.) I suppose when I have suppressed my feelings I should probably stay away from alcohol. It was ugly. Really ugly. It was so bad I don’t even want to tell you.  I literally went off the deep end.  

So we went to the fair, and had a fairly okay time.  I got intoxicated. Surprise to hear that, I know!  I have pretty much avoided alcohol, or at least, high volume consumption, since you have been gone. Not Friday night.  Friday night, I drank and the more I drank, the angrier I got.  Obviously I could not define it at the time. I was strictly pissed; pissed that Scottie was eating my corn dog; pissed that he talked to three girls while I was buying my corn dog; (they were not even remotely attractive) pissed that he talked to his friend while I was dodging sexual innuendos from another dude.    

Really though, those were just my drunken excuses to really express all the anger I have been harboring because you are gone.   I wish I would have realized that before I decided to jump out of the truck 5 miles from home, throw his wallet across the street, and decide to walk the remaining distance home, at midnight, in the grass with the biggest mosquitoes ever to have been on the earth, in my cowboy boots. What an idiot. Scottie even drove around looking for me… but I took short cuts; over some fences.  Then he finally found my drunken ass; 2 blocks from home.  And gave me a ride back home; at which point I punched his dashboard, until it cracked.   And then decided to get in my car and drive it from u-turn to u-turn as fast as I could.   And then he called me. And I went back home. And I cried. I cried violently. I cried uncontrollably.  I cried until I could not breathe. And he held me and said he understood.

I am not at all proud of my actions.  Anyone else would call me a complete psycho, and probably had me committed.  How on earth he kept his cool, I’ll never know.  The next day he asked me to meet him for breakfast.  I adamantly apologized. And he forgave me.  Later in the day he sent me a song; ‘Islands in the Stream’ by Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers.  It is my favorite song. Up until Saturday I don’t think I ever fully grasped the meaning.  I do now.  And I am sincerely blessed to have a man in my life like Scottie. We truly will “rely on each other.”  

I will do my best to not take him for granted.  To tell him daily how much he truly means to this Angry, unbalanced, psycho girl. And as he requested, I will do my best to not be those things, and instead be the happy, free-spirited woman he fell in love with.  After all, those were the qualities you taught me. Those characteristics were our bond.  And I know, above all else, you want me to be happy; it was your life’s mission.  Mission accomplished.

Love you and miss you,

Krissy

Fair Day

Its fair season. I wish you could see how excited the kids are. Carlee will be Mutton bustin next weekend. And Charissa and Carlee both will be in a BBQ cooking contest. I know you would love that they are getting to do this kind of stuff. I also know you would be bragging to anyone who would listen about how great they are going to do. I will post some pictures on here for you. I know how much you love getting new pictures of the great grand kids. Really pictures of anyone.

Damn I miss you!
Love Krissy

Favorite.

You had an amazing way of making everyone know that they were your absolute favorite person above all other persons. It was one of your most wonderful attributes. Funny, looking back on it, it seems that we would all fight to have been crowned with such an honor. Jealousy ran rampant just to obtain and hold on to that prestigious title. Between your son, Granddaughters, brother and sister, and nieces and nephews, and even so far as Great grandchildren, we all valued that knowledge; that we were your most cherished.

I think you liked the attention. Believe me, so did we! WE, the chosen few. WE know who we are. WE hold on to the knowledge of it like a precious stone. WE cherish the idea that WE were the one you loved the most. And you proved it. You showered us in your love. Like a perfect warm summer rain. You wrapped us up like a blanket during a cool and sweet fall breeze. I cherish those thoughts.

You never gave up on me, ever. Not for a minute. You were the only person who was solid for me. Because no matter how badly I screwed up, you had hope in me. You loved me through every single trial, trouble and tribulation I put my self through in this life. You never asked for anything in return. Except my love. And I gave it back, freely and in abundance. I knew all along. And even though WE let everyone else believe it, we both know the truth....

I am, was, always have been and always will be.... YOUR favorite and YOU are, always have been and always will be, mine.

Love,
Krissy

Message

Dear Mama,

SO.... today I listened to my saved voicemail. There you are. The message "I keep missing you Baby, give me a call." It warms my heart to think, that maybe, even all the way from heaven, you are missing me the way I miss you.  I saved the message, in about 15 different places, different play lists. I am hoping that just when I need it to, it will play those beautiful words you left me with. Maybe it is selfish to wish that you missed me instead of just wanting you to fully and wholeheartedly enjoy all the magnificent wonder that Heaven has to offer. If it is, well, I'm sorry, but you are my person.

I am so blessed to have heard your voice again. and I get to keep it. It's mine.

I love you, trust me, I'm missing you too; I would call, if I could.

Love,
Krissy

I miss you.

Dear Maw Maw,

It's been 17 days since you have made your departure to heaven. I miss you like crazy.  I can't believe you are actually gone. Sometimes I'm okay. Mainly because I try to stay busy. Sometimes I feel as though a tidal wave has hit me. It is then when I am overcome with emotions. It is then when my heart feel like it was a bomb that exploded in my chest. It hurts.

They say that time heals, but you were literally my best friend, mother, Grandmother and father wrapped up all in one person. And in 24 hours, you were ripped from my life. I suppose my expectations of your life span were a bit unrealistic. I simply assumed you would be there to see my children graduate, go to college, get married and have their children.  That would have made you set world records for the oldest person alive. Nonetheless, that was how I saw things.

I still think that 79 years old is too young. If that makes me selfish, then so be it. because my love for you transcends the ideal age. I hate that you are gone. I have so much to tell you. We spoke everyday, most days more. I hate that I can't hear your voice.

I miss you.

Love,
Krissy