Holidays... Thank God they're over.

Bahumbug. I did the very best I could do to suck it up.

Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving. There is a hole this thanksgiving.  A place that can only be filled with your presence; yet it remains, because you are gone.   I have so many wonderful memories of thanksgivings past with you in them I know I should just hold on to the good time and be thankful we go to share them, and a huge part of me is. The aching emptiness in my heart however, longs for your laughter, your smile at the table, your stories. I already know which ones you would have told.

You would have told us about when y’all were kids, and Uncle Bobby, starving said the Thanksgiving blessing as “Good bread, good meat, good Lord let’s eat.”  We would listen as you recalled the day when you and Bobby tied Reba and the special needs neighbor kid up in a gunny sack and hid them under the house and the sheriff was called out to look for them. And you would laugh as you described Aunt Reba’s hair sticking straight up and she shot out of the bag, once they were found.  Your eyes would sparkle, a gleam of fondness, as you told us about your mom flipping off your dad in church while she was in the congregation and he was up singing in the choir.  And you would have giggled at the knowledge that the preacher saw her do it too.

We would have all listened intently, as if we had never heard them before.  The simple joy you had telling these stories, the laughter which ensued, seemed to transport you back to that time, differing only because this time we would all be right there with you.  Listening to you tell stories was and will always remain the highlight of my life.  I will miss those times with desperate longing.  And maybe, when I get to heaven, you will have new stories to tell me. I can’t wait to sit there, and look at you in wonder and awe. And listen as the joy of telling your story rings like sweet bells in my ears.

Although I resent the fact that you are no longer here with me; although the pain sometimes is almost too much to bear, I am thankful for all of the stories you told me. I am thankful for your love, and I am thankful that you told me your recipes, and that I remember them. 

God I miss you.  There are no words to describe how badly I want you at my table this Thanksgiving.  There are no words to describe how much you will be missed. 

Happy early Thanksgiving Ma Maw,

Love,

Krissy

Just sad.

I know I am supposed to be doing good by now. I should be moving forward, what's done is done. You are,in fact, gone. But I just can't. sorry. I miss you so very much. my heart hurts every day. Badly. I miss you, your smile, your laugh, your sailor mouth, everything! It fucking sucks. I have this huge hole in my heart and it just won't close because you are there. And it hurts like an open wound. I mean I can literally feel my "heart ripping." You are my hero. My best friend. I would literally do anything to just have one more day to spend garage sailing with you. I want to hear you say "Krissy, you're my daughter, not my Granddaughter" just once more. We were a pair weren't we. You and me... against the world. Now it's just me. 

And that fucking sucks!

I miss you.
Krissy

Finality

I suppose the finality of you being gone hits me at different times, and in different ways. Most of the time, I am busy and doing okay. It's when I am alone that it sinks in again; I will never hear your voice again. I want so badly in those times to scream. Just fucking scream. No one has ever loved me the way you did. I was your pride and joy. You and I could talk about anything. I just feel like i have so much to tell you. So much I want to share. I want to hear you laugh. God I miss you so.

I can't believe you're gone.

I miss you.
Kissy

You're Home

I was finally able to deliver you back to Pops. We had dinner at Lyndsay's and I gave them both the urns I had gotten. Pops could not wait to get you home.  He said he put the urn on the mantel, but I would be willing to wager that he takes it down and puts it in your chair, turns on a marathon of cops or Law and Order, or even the Price is Right, and pops open a Dr. Pepper. He misses you so much. We all do.

In case you are wondering, this is what we decided to keep your ashes in...

This one we got for Pops. I know your blue eyes are always on his mind.

For Lyndsay (self explanatory :)

And for me... Because the quality I loved most about you, was your spice. You brought so much life; so much flavor to everything. I can only hope to have inherited that from you. I want to be as memorable as you are. If someone met you, they knew it. If someone asked "Have you met Betty?" the answer was never "ummm... I think we've met." to the contrary, it was "oh yea! I know Betty." You stood out in every crowd. You were a ruby among pearls. Spicy.

 Also, you always made sure everyone was fed, even if they were not hungry.  So you will go in my kitchen. I want to be able to talk to you while I'm cooking and feeding my family. I know that as long as you rule my kitchen, no one in my household will go hungry; whether it be their belly, or their soul.

So there you have it. Seems like a simple end to an incredible life. But this is not the end for you. You live in and through us everyday.

Love you and miss you like CRAZY!

Krissy

Toughy

I wish you could have seen her! Carlee, Mutton Bustin'! You would have laughed until you peed! And Charissa won 3rd place in the pork chop division of the cook off. She told everyone it was because she watched you and knew your secret recipe. You would have been so proud.

 

 

 

 

I can't tell you how much i miss you. My heart aches everyday. I find myself feeling ambiguous because i know you are happy, healthy, and in the presence of God. But i feel miserable. I want you here. i want to hug you. I want to lay in bed with you and watch cops and eat popcorn.  I want to hear you laugh at the stories of the kids.

DAMN IT!

I have so much to tell you. I fee sorry for myself that i can't talk to you. it fucking hurts; picking up the phone to call you and realizing that i can't. I want you back. This sucks.

Love,
 Krissy

Letters of love

Here are your letters:

This is the envelope -

 

Translation: I know that Pop is really sad but you are still loving.

 

Translation: I love you Maw Maw :)

Translation: (this one was a little more difficult)

  I miss you so much. I know your spirit is gone, bu i know you still have a sweet heart. I love you even now that you passed away. I am going to miss you very much. I love you and I miss you. I know your spirit is still sweet.

"Carlee wash my glasses!!!!!!!"

 

 

 

We ALL love you and miss you so very much. I know you would cherish these as if they were gold. Our hearts still ache.

 

Love,

 Krissy and Carlee



 

MaMole

Here I am again… a funny story about one of the kiddos.  Oh how I wish I could call and hear your laughter on the other end.   The best I have is the memory of exactly what it sounds like.  I will hold onto it as long as I possibly can.  I pray I never forget the sound of your laugh.

Carlee, went to the school counselor yesterday to speak to her about your death.  She is a tough cookie, and apparently did not want to let us know she was having a moment of vulnerability and sadness.  The sweet school counselor talked to her and comforted her. She also gave her some paper to write to you.  Although I have yet to read it, because it is sealed in an envelope, I will soon tell you what it says.  She asked that we put it on your grave, but since you were cremated, I am going to put it in the urn box for you. 

She spelled your name “MaMole” instead of "MawMaw".

I can hear you laughing from here!

 

We all miss you, deeply!

Love,

Krissy

Fair Day not so fair…

The anger I have been holding in since you left finally overtook me.  I am surprised that I am still married.  Poor Charlie. (I know that’s what you would say.) I suppose when I have suppressed my feelings I should probably stay away from alcohol. It was ugly. Really ugly. It was so bad I don’t even want to tell you.  I literally went off the deep end.  

So we went to the fair, and had a fairly okay time.  I got intoxicated. Surprise to hear that, I know!  I have pretty much avoided alcohol, or at least, high volume consumption, since you have been gone. Not Friday night.  Friday night, I drank and the more I drank, the angrier I got.  Obviously I could not define it at the time. I was strictly pissed; pissed that Scottie was eating my corn dog; pissed that he talked to three girls while I was buying my corn dog; (they were not even remotely attractive) pissed that he talked to his friend while I was dodging sexual innuendos from another dude.    

Really though, those were just my drunken excuses to really express all the anger I have been harboring because you are gone.   I wish I would have realized that before I decided to jump out of the truck 5 miles from home, throw his wallet across the street, and decide to walk the remaining distance home, at midnight, in the grass with the biggest mosquitoes ever to have been on the earth, in my cowboy boots. What an idiot. Scottie even drove around looking for me… but I took short cuts; over some fences.  Then he finally found my drunken ass; 2 blocks from home.  And gave me a ride back home; at which point I punched his dashboard, until it cracked.   And then decided to get in my car and drive it from u-turn to u-turn as fast as I could.   And then he called me. And I went back home. And I cried. I cried violently. I cried uncontrollably.  I cried until I could not breathe. And he held me and said he understood.

I am not at all proud of my actions.  Anyone else would call me a complete psycho, and probably had me committed.  How on earth he kept his cool, I’ll never know.  The next day he asked me to meet him for breakfast.  I adamantly apologized. And he forgave me.  Later in the day he sent me a song; ‘Islands in the Stream’ by Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers.  It is my favorite song. Up until Saturday I don’t think I ever fully grasped the meaning.  I do now.  And I am sincerely blessed to have a man in my life like Scottie. We truly will “rely on each other.”  

I will do my best to not take him for granted.  To tell him daily how much he truly means to this Angry, unbalanced, psycho girl. And as he requested, I will do my best to not be those things, and instead be the happy, free-spirited woman he fell in love with.  After all, those were the qualities you taught me. Those characteristics were our bond.  And I know, above all else, you want me to be happy; it was your life’s mission.  Mission accomplished.

Love you and miss you,

Krissy

Fair Day

Its fair season. I wish you could see how excited the kids are. Carlee will be Mutton bustin next weekend. And Charissa and Carlee both will be in a BBQ cooking contest. I know you would love that they are getting to do this kind of stuff. I also know you would be bragging to anyone who would listen about how great they are going to do. I will post some pictures on here for you. I know how much you love getting new pictures of the great grand kids. Really pictures of anyone.

Damn I miss you!
Love Krissy

Favorite.

You had an amazing way of making everyone know that they were your absolute favorite person above all other persons. It was one of your most wonderful attributes. Funny, looking back on it, it seems that we would all fight to have been crowned with such an honor. Jealousy ran rampant just to obtain and hold on to that prestigious title. Between your son, Granddaughters, brother and sister, and nieces and nephews, and even so far as Great grandchildren, we all valued that knowledge; that we were your most cherished.

I think you liked the attention. Believe me, so did we! WE, the chosen few. WE know who we are. WE hold on to the knowledge of it like a precious stone. WE cherish the idea that WE were the one you loved the most. And you proved it. You showered us in your love. Like a perfect warm summer rain. You wrapped us up like a blanket during a cool and sweet fall breeze. I cherish those thoughts.

You never gave up on me, ever. Not for a minute. You were the only person who was solid for me. Because no matter how badly I screwed up, you had hope in me. You loved me through every single trial, trouble and tribulation I put my self through in this life. You never asked for anything in return. Except my love. And I gave it back, freely and in abundance. I knew all along. And even though WE let everyone else believe it, we both know the truth....

I am, was, always have been and always will be.... YOUR favorite and YOU are, always have been and always will be, mine.

Love,
Krissy

Message

Dear Mama,

SO.... today I listened to my saved voicemail. There you are. The message "I keep missing you Baby, give me a call." It warms my heart to think, that maybe, even all the way from heaven, you are missing me the way I miss you.  I saved the message, in about 15 different places, different play lists. I am hoping that just when I need it to, it will play those beautiful words you left me with. Maybe it is selfish to wish that you missed me instead of just wanting you to fully and wholeheartedly enjoy all the magnificent wonder that Heaven has to offer. If it is, well, I'm sorry, but you are my person.

I am so blessed to have heard your voice again. and I get to keep it. It's mine.

I love you, trust me, I'm missing you too; I would call, if I could.

Love,
Krissy

I miss you.

Dear Maw Maw,

It's been 17 days since you have made your departure to heaven. I miss you like crazy.  I can't believe you are actually gone. Sometimes I'm okay. Mainly because I try to stay busy. Sometimes I feel as though a tidal wave has hit me. It is then when I am overcome with emotions. It is then when my heart feel like it was a bomb that exploded in my chest. It hurts.

They say that time heals, but you were literally my best friend, mother, Grandmother and father wrapped up all in one person. And in 24 hours, you were ripped from my life. I suppose my expectations of your life span were a bit unrealistic. I simply assumed you would be there to see my children graduate, go to college, get married and have their children.  That would have made you set world records for the oldest person alive. Nonetheless, that was how I saw things.

I still think that 79 years old is too young. If that makes me selfish, then so be it. because my love for you transcends the ideal age. I hate that you are gone. I have so much to tell you. We spoke everyday, most days more. I hate that I can't hear your voice.

I miss you.

Love,
Krissy