Christmas just isn't the same

The sadness I feel this Christmas is deep. I can't shake it. I miss you so much. Your laughter is probably what I miss most. Talking to you, and having someone who truly, deeply cares, I miss that tremendously too. This is the third Christmas without you. I want so badly to call you. I still reach for the phone sometimes. And it cuts me deeply because I realize, as if it's the day one all over again, without you, that you can't answer. 

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas in heaven. You were definitely missed here on earth.  I love you Mama; still, as much as I ever did!
Merry Christmas!

Go figure.

I've been so sad for so long. I'm trying desperately to figure out where my joy has gone. I truly want to find my joy again, but it's so difficult with you not here. A big piece of my heart left and went to heaven with you. Go figure it would be the part that motivated me, that would be the part my soul that made me challenge myself. You would never let me settle; never allow me to wallow in self pity. They were no pity parties with you, there were only get over parties. Oh how I wish I could just get over it. But the truth is, I feel like that part of me has gone; it no longer exists.

I've been searching for a change. Listening to motivational speakers, following different passions that I had in life. Nothing is filling this void. There's such a big hole in my heart. It's your space and you're gone.

Shame on life for going on this way without you here. So much that I want to tell you; soo much and I need to share and the only person that I could share them with who would truly understand was you.

I have to find a way to reclaim some joy.  Just a slice of happiness, somewhere.  My heart still aches.  Sometimes it hurts so bad that it takes my breath away.  It just hurts.  A big part of me is still numb. And I feel totally alone; because I miss you so much.